What would you do if you knew you would not fail?

Disclaimer: These writing prompts are borrowed from the blog Sunday Scribblings, a blog that specializes in getting the pen to paper, and the brain (more specifically in this case, MY brain), to moving. Bless these lovely ladies for providing just the thing I need. My plan is to work through the prompts as steadily as I can and have fun with it! Writing is work, but it isn't dull work. I feel like that should be an Anne Lamott quote or something. This 'creating stuff from the strength of my own brain' is hard work, dude. Anyway, here goes.

#1 What I Would Do If I Knew I Would Not Fail

I would fall. Probably face down, nose scraping on the concrete. Because, even though I might know that I'll come out victorious, I still have every right to screw up on my way getting there. Who knows? I might forget in that one embarrassing moment, the certainty of my success. I might feel pain, and I might cry. Regardless of the outcome, I will still feel useless, stupid, and incompetent. I will still wish for a DeLorean-shaped time machine to make it all better.

But most of us work for something much bigger, much more powerful than fear, and that's why we keep going even though the ground is a scary place. We keep dreaming of cozy bookstores, Muppeteers, hot air balloons, and England in autumn, just to spite failure. Just to prove that it is a much less worthy opponent than most villains. To laugh boldly in its face and declare yourself its lord and master!

Sure it might be nice to forget failure, to slide through home plate every time. Then again, a charismatic hero is nothing without the unflappable, relentless foe. You know, the guy (girl) with the brown cloak (blue windbreaker) and the monacle (bifocaled reading glasses) and the blue leather boots (yellow suede pennyloafers)? Without that, you might as well go shove the Earth out of orbit and watch it crash into Mars while narrowly missing the moon.

A Start - An Unedited List of Things I Love

The Renaissance Faire

New/Used books

The Library

Muppets

Warm Bread

Italian Food

Secret Gardens

The Smell of Paper

Disney World

Pop Music

Sneakers

Chocolate

Morning at the Campsite

Finishing Homework Assignments

Payton’s laugh

Michael’s eyes

Soundtracks

Old, Victorian Houses

Maps

Swimming Pools

Oceans and Lakes

The Museum of Science and Industry

Babbity Rabbitty

Spaghetti Sauce

Teaching

J.K Rowling

Beach Towels

Characters with character

Crayons

Sword fighting

Theatre

Neil Gaiman

A New Haircut

Babies

Road Trips

Antique Furniture

Organization

Ice Cream

Fantasy Novels

A Clean House

The Comic Con

Gluten Free Baking

Fairies

Merlin

Sand

Basil

Parsley

Mister Rogers

Forests

Golf carts

Daisies

T-shirts

Christmastime

Chicago in the summer

Audiobooks

98.7 WFMT

The Travel Channel

BBC America

Chunky Sunglasses

Sunlight through big windows

Turrets

Fred and George Weasley

Jace Morgenstern

The Princess Bride

The Perfect Gift

The Electric Mayhem

Basin

Candles

Tea

Old Neighborhoods

St. Donatus

Campers

Halloween Decorations

Black-rimmed Glasses

Legos

Scrapbooks

Good book to movie adaptations

The Pigeon

Constellations

Dried Sweet Peppers

A New Notebook

Calendars

Indie Bookstores

Period Costumes

Hammocks

Top Gear

Shakespeare

The Curb Pizza

The View from the California Grill

Picture Books

Make No Little Plans Or Should I?

This is what has been missing in my life for the past few months.

I finished student teaching about a week and a half ago, and am only now coming back to life after a nasty post-semester illness. It's pretty typical, as I've always tended to get sick just after finishing a major undertaking. My body just says "Ok, I'm done!" for a few days, and then I'm left to get back on my feet.

Anyway, what matters is that I am here, and I intend to use this space for jump starting my writing. Here is my main problem with this. I have little to no discipline in this area. I want to write ALL the time, but often there are other things that take precedence over it. School, work, and all the other things that insist on my time. Some of these are good like spending time with the husband, family and friends. Others are ugly and adult-shaped.

And, I miss feeling that have something in my brain worth saying. I fill my mind with all of these fantastic ideas and literature daily, but I can't seem to come up with anything original myself. Maybe the problem is that I'm thinking too big, too broad. Maybe I should start small. One foot in front of the other, as they say.

I have to admit I'm a little ashamed of myself for letting writing go so far to the wayside during the pursuit of my teaching degree. Well, it is a lesson learned that I have to continue it no matter how busy life gets.

I have to be dedicated to this creative part of myself or I might lose it completely in the fray. This time, luckily, I've just misplaced it for a bit, and I think I have a pretty good chance of coming back to life. Not to mention, I look forward to bringing this part of myself into the classroom with me when I do have the opportunity to teach my own students.

I have to hold onto this part of myself, because no one is going to do it for me. I have to hold on to it, and make little plans for it, so I can learn who I am here too.

Shooting the Moon

OK, I am horrible at this. Why, oh why did I start a blog knowing full well that I would probably disappear off the face of the Earth for the next few months...silly girl that is me. Anyhow, I'm about two weeks from mid-term, and this week is my first full week of taking over the ENTIRE day, all subjects. I was so terrified of this point in the process, but really, it feels natural now that I'm here and actually in the middle of it.

It's not so bad. Yes, there are those days where I wonder what the hell I'm doing with myself, and why I even thought I could pull this teaching thing off. Every day is its own challenge (as cheesy as that sounds), but I'm into the classroom routine full-tilt now, and it's exponentially less scary. I think the anticipation just made it worse.

I love the teaching and the planning and all of it. What I do not love is all this "work sample," graduate student, blah, blah, blah baloney. I should be spending most of my time planning kick ass lessons. Instead of splitting my time between lesson planning, and stupid, lame, ridiculous "other stuff" like evaluations, work samples, logs, work sample papers, long, tedious lesson plan templates..GAH! Such a waste of time, and I feel like I can't devote my whole experience to teaching, and I'm shortchanging my students because I have to stop thinking about what they have learn, and ANALYZE them. Now, I'm venting. This is good. This is what I'm here for. To free write, and to not always think things out.

Brain spills like this are awesome. I feel 10 pounds (of stupid, pointless graduate paperwork!!!) lighter. :)

I promised myself I wouldn't...

But I've gone and gotten myself sick already. I thought I'd at least hold out a couple of weeks. In any event, I've started some minor classroom management this week. It's going...ok. I don't expect the kids to pay any particular mind to me at this point, but I've begun to assert myself, and I think, with a little practice on my part, they'll understand that I'm just as much a teacher to them as Mrs. B., and that they should treat me with the same amount of attentiveness and respect.

I've also decided that I would like to introduce this class to the Muppets at some point during my 4-month stay. I can't understand how these children don't know what a Fraggle is. Such a travesty. I think I'll probably suggest it as a Friday movie or some such thing. And...I think I'm going to push for Muppets in Space, at least it's a bit more current. Although, I'm not sure if the Muppet movies are G-rated, if not, I'm afraid my quest to introduce Muppet culture to the third grade will be in vain. As a related sidenote, I'm still mildly bummed that I couldn't find cheap figures of the Electric Mayhem to adorn my wedding cake.

I think I'm in need of some serious Kermi-therapy to ease my achy bones, so I'm off. Man, I tried so hard to shield myself from disease during this whole student teaching thing. Ah well. I guess better earlier than later...

Them Little Things Called Snow Days

It's wrong to want a coveted Snow Day just two days into my new position. But I don't want it because I'm not enjoying myself. I want it because the weather is out. of. control. I spent an hour and fifteen minutes trying to get to school today, wading through major streets that had yet to be plowed at 7:00 in the morning. Now, I don't mean to be cranky, but shouldn't the streets be plowed and salted well BEFORE the morning rush hour? It would probably cut down on accidents, as well as people trying to maim other drivers in their state of near-permanent road rage. And I'll admit, I'm one of those timid drivers who will drive like a granny on days like today, be damned all the honking horns and rude hand gestures.

We're supposed to get at least 6 more inches overnight, as if my poor little car can trundle through these streets as it is.

Other than that, I sat in on an IEP meeting today, graded some papers, and tried to be a bit more firm with the kids. I don't think they really see me as their teacher, so I think the transition from Mrs. B. to me is going to be a real adjustment for this group. I'm trying not to over-think, as I tend to do, I'll just keep taking things as they come and look to Mrs. B., my advisor and more often than not, my other teacher-friends for guidance.

Here's hoping for a Snow Day, and if not, at least it's Friday. And now, time for some dinner, 30 Rock, and hiding from all this winter around me. I miss October. And Disney World.

How Louis Armstrong Taught Me to Chill

Well, I'm still alive and I managed to get through this day without making a fool of myself. Put a couple of points on the board for me! Make no mistake though, I'm still terrified of what the coming weeks will bring me.

As for today, I was pleased to know that I will be granted a slow and steady pace. My cooperating teacher, Mrs. B. helped me to set up a schedule in which I will gradually be taking over lessons. Not quite the "throw the new girl in and lock the door" situation that I'd been imagining. The rest of this week, I'll be observing Mrs. B. as she goes through her day-to-day routines, and then next week, I'll begin reading aloud to the students and working with them on their daily journal topics. The fact that Mrs. B. and I had been corresponding for the past 9 months, along with the few days I spent in her classroom prior to today, really helped me feel more at ease. As for the kids, well, third graders generally aren't a very clique-y group just yet, and their immediate acceptance and love is something that I wish the world could emulate. Needless to say, I'm adoring all of the unsolicited hugging, and enthusiastic calls of "Hi Mrs. C!" that I've gotten throughout the day.

Not that this class will be without challenges. There are four third-grade classrooms in my school, and it seems that the whole group is particularly chatty, disruptive, and lacking in social skills. Mrs. B. has made it no secret that this class is one to be reckoned with, and that I will have to take a firm stand with them. I'm not sure what kind of disciplinarian I will make, but I guess I'm going to have to work on my stern face. Ugh..maybe a Darth Vader mask would strike more fear into their little hearts? I have very little faith that I will every create an acceptable stern face...even though I've seen many, much too many of them in my experiences as a child.

On a more specific first day note, the students started a reading unit on a biography of Louis Armstrong today. This might just be a sign that I've chosen the right path in life. Yes, I am a total NERD for Louis Armstrong. And yes, I did tell Mrs. B., who encouraged me to bring in music, AND the picture book I bought my nephew for Christmas, When Louis Armstrong Taught Me Scat by Muriel Harris Weinstein. How freakin' perfect is that? It will be so much fun to read that book full of skikitty scat rhymes to a room of eager students.

Call me crazy (and I would completely endorse you if you did), but I think Louis is trying to convey a message with his presence on my first day in the classroom. One that is probably truly appropriate, given my tendency to stress over the things I'm stressing about under a cloud of excessive worry.

I heard it loud and clear while the kids practiced their vocabulary words, and Mrs. B. played Louis' voice softly through her speakers:

"Be cool, little mama, be cool. Everything's gonna be alright."

The Inaugural Panic Post or I Start Student Teaching Tomorrow

I've started this blog mostly because I've always wanted to, but was never really sure how to begin or what to say. Well, let's begin, I guess, at the beginning.

I hope that this will be a multi-purpose space. One that will allow me to chronicle my adventures in student teaching (which starts tomorrow..yikes!), scribble out random story ideas that pop into my head, and discuss the chaos that is the worlds of publishing and education with anyone who will have me. It is my hope that this blog will help me to strengthen my writing, connect with other literary nerds, and keep track of any other bits and bobs that are knocking around in my head.

What happens to be zooming around in there tonight is the fact that I START STUDENT TEACHING TOMORROW! As you can tell, I'm slightly panicked about this. Everyone from my classmates, to my teachers, to my family say that it's perfectly natural to feel this way. That it's OK to freak out. The thing is, I know it's OK to freak out, I just don't like doing it.

I want to be in control and I want to feel confident that I will walk into that classroom and do everything right the first time. I do not feel prepared in the least bit. Now, don't get me wrong, I've worked in situations with children before, and I'm even satisfied with some of the lessons I've planned over the past few semesters. I know that they would work in the classroom.

What I am not prepared for is the reality of the classroom. Behavior problems, time management, having a back-up plan for your back-up plan. I mean, it's ridiculous, right? I've studied for the past year-and-a-half on how to be an effective teacher, and I'm STILL terrified of being put in charge of 25 third-graders. I keep visualizing the room as a mud pit, one that I won't be able to pull myself out of if the kids throw me something that I really don't know how to handle. There are a million what-if's roaming through my brain right now, and I don't think I can address them without short-circuiting my brain. I mean, what if my lessons don't work as well as I think they should? What if I suck at time and classroom management? What if the kids organize such a fantastic mutiny that it'll leave me crouched in a corner, crying and pulling my hair out?

No matter how much I study, I don't think I'll ever be prepared for this. I'll just try to take it one day at a time, always remembering that there's a place to go home to with books to read, movies to watch, and a husband that (for some unknowable reason) loves me.

I just have to remember that this teaching gig is what I've always wanted (aside from traveling to Europe), and that every day I get a brand-new chance to share my love of all things literary with students.

Wish me luck. Tomorrow I will be armed with enthusiasm, the willingness to learn, and my limited teaching knowledge. Erm...maybe I should bring a battering ram, just in case?