The Inaugural Panic Post or I Start Student Teaching Tomorrow

I've started this blog mostly because I've always wanted to, but was never really sure how to begin or what to say. Well, let's begin, I guess, at the beginning.

I hope that this will be a multi-purpose space. One that will allow me to chronicle my adventures in student teaching (which starts tomorrow..yikes!), scribble out random story ideas that pop into my head, and discuss the chaos that is the worlds of publishing and education with anyone who will have me. It is my hope that this blog will help me to strengthen my writing, connect with other literary nerds, and keep track of any other bits and bobs that are knocking around in my head.

What happens to be zooming around in there tonight is the fact that I START STUDENT TEACHING TOMORROW! As you can tell, I'm slightly panicked about this. Everyone from my classmates, to my teachers, to my family say that it's perfectly natural to feel this way. That it's OK to freak out. The thing is, I know it's OK to freak out, I just don't like doing it.

I want to be in control and I want to feel confident that I will walk into that classroom and do everything right the first time. I do not feel prepared in the least bit. Now, don't get me wrong, I've worked in situations with children before, and I'm even satisfied with some of the lessons I've planned over the past few semesters. I know that they would work in the classroom.

What I am not prepared for is the reality of the classroom. Behavior problems, time management, having a back-up plan for your back-up plan. I mean, it's ridiculous, right? I've studied for the past year-and-a-half on how to be an effective teacher, and I'm STILL terrified of being put in charge of 25 third-graders. I keep visualizing the room as a mud pit, one that I won't be able to pull myself out of if the kids throw me something that I really don't know how to handle. There are a million what-if's roaming through my brain right now, and I don't think I can address them without short-circuiting my brain. I mean, what if my lessons don't work as well as I think they should? What if I suck at time and classroom management? What if the kids organize such a fantastic mutiny that it'll leave me crouched in a corner, crying and pulling my hair out?

No matter how much I study, I don't think I'll ever be prepared for this. I'll just try to take it one day at a time, always remembering that there's a place to go home to with books to read, movies to watch, and a husband that (for some unknowable reason) loves me.

I just have to remember that this teaching gig is what I've always wanted (aside from traveling to Europe), and that every day I get a brand-new chance to share my love of all things literary with students.

Wish me luck. Tomorrow I will be armed with enthusiasm, the willingness to learn, and my limited teaching knowledge. Erm...maybe I should bring a battering ram, just in case?