Real Life

One letter at a time.
One word at a time.
One sentence at a time.
One paragraph at a time.
One page at a time.

What letter do I start with?
What words will they make?
What will the sentence say?
Where will the paragraph take me?
What happens at the end of the page?

The letter might make me wince.
The words might make me curse.
The sentence might make me squirm.
The paragraph might make me pull out my hair.
The page might only make it worse.

But the letter is the beginning,
and the words link like chains.
The sentence tells a story,
the paragraph keeps on showing it
The page, then, makes me happy.
Imperfect as it is, it's mine.
Then I write the next letter,
One at a time.

When We Were Wee

"There are no rules, and those are the rules."

A quote I pilfered from the Jim Henson's Fantastic World exhibit at the Museum of Science and Industry. So sayeth Cantus Fraggle, and perfect for what I'm trying to accomplish with my writing and with my life.

This is the second time I've seen the Henson exhibit, having gone for my wedding anniversary in September, and I have to say that it is just as wonderful as it was the first time around. There is no substitute for seeing firsthand the construction of some of Henson's most complicated puppets, while learning about the evolution of the Muppets from The Frog Prince, to the Muppet Show, to Sesame Street to Fraggle Rock and the Dark Crystal. This was a man that consistently broke creative barriers without expecting any recognition or credit for it. He just took his ideas, and Made them work, even when the people around him told him it was impossible.

I do remember watching the Muppets as a young girl, hanging out in the basement with my older sister. We would sing the songs, act out scenes and rewind the videotapes over and over again. But, I didn't really appreciate the real impact of the Muppets on me until I hit college, during my first weeks as a freshman at Illinois State University. I missed my family, my friends, and my boyfriend Michael, whom I'd just started dating during March of my senior year in high school. I did not want to be there. And while the solitary part of my personality enjoyed the alone time in my dorm, the evenings and nights were tough going. I unpacked my stuff a little every night, and would come across hidden notes in my luggage from Michael, letting me know that everything was going to be OK. Well, a few nights into the unpacking I found videotapes. Every Muppet Movie. So I put one on and smiled. And then I chuckled. And then I laughed out loud. And then, before I knew it, I made it through my first year, and the next, and the next.

"There are no rules, and those are rules." Even when it comes to remedies for homesickness.

Game On

Since I've just graduated with my master's, I'm in sore need of some direction regarding my personal health. This is a good place to start, I figure. Happy New Year and wish me luck.

Goals for the Year:
1. Be healthy. Mentally, physically, the whole deal.
2. Save more money.
3. Write with Discipline. Yes, that's a Capital D. I guess that's part of the 'mental health' resolution, but whatever. The major problem I have is self-censorship, and this very recent fear of making things permanent on paper. I really, really need to get over that.

So, game on, 2011.

What would you do if you knew you would not fail?

Disclaimer: These writing prompts are borrowed from the blog Sunday Scribblings, a blog that specializes in getting the pen to paper, and the brain (more specifically in this case, MY brain), to moving. Bless these lovely ladies for providing just the thing I need. My plan is to work through the prompts as steadily as I can and have fun with it! Writing is work, but it isn't dull work. I feel like that should be an Anne Lamott quote or something. This 'creating stuff from the strength of my own brain' is hard work, dude. Anyway, here goes.

#1 What I Would Do If I Knew I Would Not Fail

I would fall. Probably face down, nose scraping on the concrete. Because, even though I might know that I'll come out victorious, I still have every right to screw up on my way getting there. Who knows? I might forget in that one embarrassing moment, the certainty of my success. I might feel pain, and I might cry. Regardless of the outcome, I will still feel useless, stupid, and incompetent. I will still wish for a DeLorean-shaped time machine to make it all better.

But most of us work for something much bigger, much more powerful than fear, and that's why we keep going even though the ground is a scary place. We keep dreaming of cozy bookstores, Muppeteers, hot air balloons, and England in autumn, just to spite failure. Just to prove that it is a much less worthy opponent than most villains. To laugh boldly in its face and declare yourself its lord and master!

Sure it might be nice to forget failure, to slide through home plate every time. Then again, a charismatic hero is nothing without the unflappable, relentless foe. You know, the guy (girl) with the brown cloak (blue windbreaker) and the monacle (bifocaled reading glasses) and the blue leather boots (yellow suede pennyloafers)? Without that, you might as well go shove the Earth out of orbit and watch it crash into Mars while narrowly missing the moon.

A Start - An Unedited List of Things I Love

The Renaissance Faire

New/Used books

The Library

Muppets

Warm Bread

Italian Food

Secret Gardens

The Smell of Paper

Disney World

Pop Music

Sneakers

Chocolate

Morning at the Campsite

Finishing Homework Assignments

Payton’s laugh

Michael’s eyes

Soundtracks

Old, Victorian Houses

Maps

Swimming Pools

Oceans and Lakes

The Museum of Science and Industry

Babbity Rabbitty

Spaghetti Sauce

Teaching

J.K Rowling

Beach Towels

Characters with character

Crayons

Sword fighting

Theatre

Neil Gaiman

A New Haircut

Babies

Road Trips

Antique Furniture

Organization

Ice Cream

Fantasy Novels

A Clean House

The Comic Con

Gluten Free Baking

Fairies

Merlin

Sand

Basil

Parsley

Mister Rogers

Forests

Golf carts

Daisies

T-shirts

Christmastime

Chicago in the summer

Audiobooks

98.7 WFMT

The Travel Channel

BBC America

Chunky Sunglasses

Sunlight through big windows

Turrets

Fred and George Weasley

Jace Morgenstern

The Princess Bride

The Perfect Gift

The Electric Mayhem

Basin

Candles

Tea

Old Neighborhoods

St. Donatus

Campers

Halloween Decorations

Black-rimmed Glasses

Legos

Scrapbooks

Good book to movie adaptations

The Pigeon

Constellations

Dried Sweet Peppers

A New Notebook

Calendars

Indie Bookstores

Period Costumes

Hammocks

Top Gear

Shakespeare

The Curb Pizza

The View from the California Grill

Picture Books

Make No Little Plans Or Should I?

This is what has been missing in my life for the past few months.

I finished student teaching about a week and a half ago, and am only now coming back to life after a nasty post-semester illness. It's pretty typical, as I've always tended to get sick just after finishing a major undertaking. My body just says "Ok, I'm done!" for a few days, and then I'm left to get back on my feet.

Anyway, what matters is that I am here, and I intend to use this space for jump starting my writing. Here is my main problem with this. I have little to no discipline in this area. I want to write ALL the time, but often there are other things that take precedence over it. School, work, and all the other things that insist on my time. Some of these are good like spending time with the husband, family and friends. Others are ugly and adult-shaped.

And, I miss feeling that have something in my brain worth saying. I fill my mind with all of these fantastic ideas and literature daily, but I can't seem to come up with anything original myself. Maybe the problem is that I'm thinking too big, too broad. Maybe I should start small. One foot in front of the other, as they say.

I have to admit I'm a little ashamed of myself for letting writing go so far to the wayside during the pursuit of my teaching degree. Well, it is a lesson learned that I have to continue it no matter how busy life gets.

I have to be dedicated to this creative part of myself or I might lose it completely in the fray. This time, luckily, I've just misplaced it for a bit, and I think I have a pretty good chance of coming back to life. Not to mention, I look forward to bringing this part of myself into the classroom with me when I do have the opportunity to teach my own students.

I have to hold onto this part of myself, because no one is going to do it for me. I have to hold on to it, and make little plans for it, so I can learn who I am here too.

Shooting the Moon

OK, I am horrible at this. Why, oh why did I start a blog knowing full well that I would probably disappear off the face of the Earth for the next few months...silly girl that is me. Anyhow, I'm about two weeks from mid-term, and this week is my first full week of taking over the ENTIRE day, all subjects. I was so terrified of this point in the process, but really, it feels natural now that I'm here and actually in the middle of it.

It's not so bad. Yes, there are those days where I wonder what the hell I'm doing with myself, and why I even thought I could pull this teaching thing off. Every day is its own challenge (as cheesy as that sounds), but I'm into the classroom routine full-tilt now, and it's exponentially less scary. I think the anticipation just made it worse.

I love the teaching and the planning and all of it. What I do not love is all this "work sample," graduate student, blah, blah, blah baloney. I should be spending most of my time planning kick ass lessons. Instead of splitting my time between lesson planning, and stupid, lame, ridiculous "other stuff" like evaluations, work samples, logs, work sample papers, long, tedious lesson plan templates..GAH! Such a waste of time, and I feel like I can't devote my whole experience to teaching, and I'm shortchanging my students because I have to stop thinking about what they have learn, and ANALYZE them. Now, I'm venting. This is good. This is what I'm here for. To free write, and to not always think things out.

Brain spills like this are awesome. I feel 10 pounds (of stupid, pointless graduate paperwork!!!) lighter. :)