"Getting Upset is Force, but No Motion"

I've been chanting that in my head for the last several weeks, ever since I finished "Educating Esme: Diary of a First Year Teacher" by Esme Raji Codell. What a brilliant teacher/writer/person in general. Honestly, I don't know why I haven't read this book sooner. I received it as a Christmas gift last year right before I began student teaching. Maybe I was too anxious about the impending challenge to even think about it. Maybe I was afraid it would present me with situations that I thought I was ill-equipped as a student teacher to handle. I don't know. But now I am kicking myself. Why oh why did it sit all lonesome on my shelf for almost a full year? ARG.

True, it would have crushed me and made me feel better in turns about this profession that I was flinging myself into. This might have driven me half or possibly full-on mad. But I would have gotten some priceless ideas and many, many good laughs.

A TIME MACHINE IN THE CLASSROOM...um, yes please. Also, because I am, and always have been, daunted by the word "Math" I will call this most hated subject "Puzzling" in my classroom. I think it will lessen its powers of intimidation over us all.

From this book, I have also learned that it is more than OK to spend all your extra money on a stellar classroom library, and it is also OK to veer terribly off-course during the course of a lesson as long as you are the driver in a sturdy off-road vehicle.

Honestly, this post was not supposed to be entirely about this book. What I really wanted to say is that I am frustrated, I am depressed, I am downright angry about not having a position locked in for next school year. I wanted to rant about the sorry state of education in this country, and that teachers should be treated as a loved, valued, finite resource, not a casualty of state budgets. But I can't, because that's force with no motion.

And I'd rather spend my force building a refrigerator box time machine.

Teacher. Writer. Mom. Occasional World Traveler.

Been pretty out of whack since everything that's happened with the new job. Hence, it has been difficult to sit down and acknowledge that I am back at the beginning. I have to do that now. Things around me are generally looking up, and I am hoping some of that positive energy will sneak into my brain. I don't know why, but I cannot seem to get it together, and maintain a solid outlook on my situation. Sometimes I feel completely helpless and out of control, and others I feel pretty sure I'm going to pull through this and make it to the other side. Right now, I'm kind of in the middle. I have so much support and there are an infinite number of possibilities for me out there. The problem is, nabbing one of those possibilities is kind of... impossible, like catching up to a spaceship that's permanently stuck on Ludicrous Speed. And I'm slow enough as it is.

I think part of the problem is assigning blame, and figuring out if I really can do that to anyone or anything. Is there something more I should be doing? Any harder that I should be working? Or is it truly the state of our nation's economy, and the shockingly small number of teaching positions available that has me stuck in this limbo? I am not new to this, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Man, do I wish I could be grading papers or figuring out a 4th grade math lesson right now. Or even better, adding a mountain of books to my classroom library and contemplating buying super-cheap portable CD players on Ebay to complement my growing audiobook collection. OH! What about buying an arsenal of Kindles (nevermind that I am a print girl, through and through) for the Reading Resource staff to use in tutoring sessions or during extended day programs. Just to be on a faculty list somewhere...sigh. A girl can dream.

I have so much I want to share, and I hope that one day soon I will get my chance. If I'm honest, I don't require much more than that from my life. Teacher. Writer. Eventual Mom. And if there's time (and money), Occasional World Traveler. :)