So much to write...

And yet, I am too overwhelmed to go into much detail. It might sound silly, but this is the first job I have not loved the minute I began it. I have only been there two days, and the thought of going back for even one more makes me sick to my stomach. Am I overreacting? Am I being emotional? Am I giving up too easily? I don't know. I'm still wrestling with that.

At the interview, the job specified that they would be in need of a certified teacher, otherwise known as someone who is qualified to teach children, and in essence, run a classroom. Someone who can present content with substance, and manage the day to day idiosyncrasies of the common student. I am going to emphasize the common here, because I do not have a special education certification. I can handle students who are low academically, and who may need some help getting motivated. But, when it comes to serious mental illness, physical disability or major behavioral problems, I am simply not the right person for the job.

Frankly, I was deceived into accepting this position. I was told I would be a program aide for a specific grade level with some slight monitoring of a student with motivation issues. This student is way beyond motivation issues. She has serious social/emotional/mental problems that manifest in very strange, distracting and even dangerous behavior. In just one day, she fell asleep, destroyed her desk and a library book, refused to stand up or walk to different parts of the building, talked to herself (and imaginary others around her) in class and went catatonic on me for the good part of the morning. There is no eye contact, very little conversation, blank stares like I'm not even there, and whimpering and whining when the object of her destruction is taken away. We had one short-lived conversation about her birthday, but the afternoon only yielded more the same. Don't get me wrong, there are moments where she is lucid. We even did a few math problems in the morning, not too bad. But then, it's just, like, a switch goes off and she's a totally different kid. Even my cousin who is a school psychologist and social worker cannot make heads or tails of the girl. And, of course, I am not asked to look after her academically. All they want is for me to document her behavior, and make it through each day with her. I'm sorry, I am a teacher. Not a babysitter. Especially not a babysitter who is expected to physically force the student to stand up and walk. I am even less comfortable with that scenario from a legal standpoint.

The other question is...is this mental illness at all, or is it simple defiance and seeing how far she can push the school system? Part of me hopes not, because in a way, that would be even worse.

Ultimately, I would like for this student to get the help that she needs, and I feel as if I am doing her a disservice by not having the right qualifications for the job. How can I help her if I am at a loss for where to start? I don't think I can be effective for her, and the stress, even after two days, is taking its toll on me. It pains me to say this, but I know I cannot help this student. I hope that they will be able to find someone who can. At least until they can find her a more suitable program or environment.

I hate the thought of giving up on this girl. I hate the idea of quitting. But I don't think this particular position is a great match for me. I think my dad put it the best to me on the phone today:

"Rock, acknowledge your shortcomings. But don't beat yourself up for having them."

Thanks, Dad.

In need of some positive things right now...

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

I frequently-regularly-often trip while reaching for my high ideals. Then I giggle, or cry, and get back up. ~Erika Harris

People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them. ~G.B. Shaw, Mrs. Warren's Profession, 1893

But the moment you turn a corner you see another straight stretch ahead and there comes some further challenge to your ambition. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

The great majority of men are bundles of beginnings. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Keep on going, and the chances are that you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I never heard of anyone ever stumbling on something sitting down. ~Charles F. Kettering

I could use a Hitchhiker's Guide reference right about now

DON'T PANIC.

Too late. I'm already in a 'can't turn back now' state of panic about the new job potentially starting tomorrow. This means that I have absolutely zero focus, and zero thought process beyond, "I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm excited. I'm nervous."

Of course I know that everything will turn out fine, but that doesn't mean that I can't go a bit hysterical with anticipation.

So, with any hopes I'll be back tomorrow with a new scribbling, and hopefully a more stable mindset.

Til then, I'm afraid I'm just useless.